Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
You Might Also Like
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
bout dat hot dog summer
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
…..pretty much.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi