You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I have obtained a hat
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power