Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
You Might Also Like
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking