My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
A family that plays together cheats.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/