My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.