biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine