I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
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Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.