added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop