[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.