[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
You Might Also Like
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
i think both sides are to blame here
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples