Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Think I pulled my liver
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
This why you should mind your business
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m about to risk it all
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.