happy valentine’s day to me
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
The first matador
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Doug is just Canadian for dog
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.