I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
When life hands you women, make women laid.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?