my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”