IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.