My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I never know how much to tip a cow.