I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense