*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.