Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer