whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
You Might Also Like
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
me and the Superbowl rn
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.