Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Don’t forget to tip your server
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.