Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
goldfish mafia
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Had to try this trend 😊
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people