My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist