1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Try and stop me.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Always…
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS