Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
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I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.