It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow