[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Catering service
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
<- sleeps well with others
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not