My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My sex drive has a dui
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.