Tier 3 meme
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.