Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
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Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…