What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
This week’s mood.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.