wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
work smarter, not harder
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.