doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Not today.. 😂
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.