ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
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Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus