‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.