Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Muppet Screams
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m good, thanks.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.