We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?