Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Seems a bit forward
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
lmfao
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.