friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.