Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
No, YOUR illiterate.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!