lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.