Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If I ignore life will it go away?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.