File under excellent bookstore names.
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.