If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]