I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The best plant holders?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up