My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Livid.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”