[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.