[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing