I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?