Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.